CW: Depression, crawling out of rock bottom
It’s been awhile. The last time I wrote it was about reaching a really dark place. I was almost ready to give up on all people and live a solo life. Cut out my friends, be a model employee, do what was required as a parent until she was in college and then just, fade away? Ooof. Reflecting on that hurts.
By the end of the post I was hopeful. I found what might have been fire inside. Just as likely a surge of energy to not feel so ugly about my life.
It was, indeed, fire. Somewhere in all the brain weasels and processing I think I just got tired of — myself. Of course I wanted to give up, I didn’t like who I was regardless of what was happening around me. Not really disgusted with myself, disgusted with how I was handling myself. I remember thinking in that pit of 5 different people I could reach out to and ask for help. And my brain said No. On the other side of that — I rolled my eyes into the back of my head and thought, are you fucking kidding me?! Get. Over. It. Do those therapy mindfulness things.
I started reaching out again. Asking for what I want. Being honest with people that I’m isolating and thoughts of making plans gives me some level of anxiety. Then keeping plans. (that has been the hardest one so far) Cause don’t we all just want to wear PJs and binge something on TV under the covers all alone?
It has been better. So much better. It is a fire and it’s sucking oxygen.
It helps that I’m not white knuckling the depression so much. I go in and allow it to wrap around me. The emotion happens when it happens. Recovering much quicker as a result. A few times it’s firing off a text or snapshot of a story telling a friend what I’m upset about. Then it’s better. It’s been so freeing.
Some other things I’ve done…
- Created a Rage playlist with all those empowering songs that give me energy to want to burn down the world
- Being more intentional about movement — work outs, hiking, Pilates, Being Outside
- Sorta-not-really food tracking. Nutrition helps
- Sending snail mail (gotta share the lovely stationaries)
- Buying myself some pretty things — like jewelry and jackets
Telling my story.
Let Go by Frou Frou really embodies what the last two months has been for me, the beauty in the breakdown. And where I take myself from there…
Excuse me, too busy?
Oh, writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you’ve no idea what you’re likeSo let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well, watcha waiting for?
It’s alright
’Cause there’s beauty in the breakdownSo let go
Yeah, let go
Just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s alright
’Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
