CW: the day after
I finally fell asleep after midnight. I pushed my alarm back to 6 thinking of what I could cut out of the morning for those extra Zzzs. Unfortunately, the cats have this new annoying fucking habit of racing around the house, trapping themselves in my bedroom and crashing into doors anytime between 4:15–4:45am (hollow doors that reverberate). So this morning I was rudely awakened at 4:40am and could not fall back to sleep. Great. Less than 5 hours to get through the day. I’ve been powering through with caffeine and that is wrong for a whole other host of reasons.
I feel somewhat better today. At least — I figured out why I started spiraling last night and it has to do with my own relationship with myself and unrealistic expectations, sprinkled with I’ve failed as a parent guilt. I grew up in a house where things got done to keep the peace. Didn’t matter what, when, why, where or who — living with an alcoholic puts everything on edge to keep the explosion from happening. Seems I never really got over that and enforcing household chores/expectations has fallen aside. That has got to stop. We all need to do our part, if not no TV or sweets!
And yeah, after a few other things happening in life the last week-ish, I’m walking around in a low-grade depression. It’s been awhile since I felt like this and it’s scary. It still surprises me that I don’t recognize I’m here until I’m here. Back before the big crash of 2018, I was experimenting with just going into it once I saw it, not resisting or obsessing in depression brain. Kind of like you dive into a pool? And come out when you need to breathe? Just like that. Today I told people I’m not in a good space right now. I got great support from every single one of them. As scared as I feel in this moment, I trust this is temporary. That Depression Lies and in a few days (or hours) I won’t feel so mucky and be better equipped to deal with what’s dragging me down.
Fuck you depression ❤
