Checking-in on my Eating Disorder
CW: Eating disorders, recent feelings and thoughts on ED, ED behaviors
It’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Last year I helped coordinate a speaker as a part of our Wellness Wednesdays to talk about ED at work. Stuff like, don’t always have food-based social gatherings, numbers can be scary, what to/not to say to a coworker you think has an ED… This year, a few of us tried before the holidays to be early planners and what awesomeness can we plan?! Not much, I had other priorities to focus on. I spent some time on the NEDA site looking at this year’s theme, resources, interesting factoids.
The screening tool caught my eye. I thought I would be the typical four-question survey that would be so easy to lie about if I wanted to (like the mental health one the doctor gives you) I decided to play — and be honest in my answers. The results were surprising…
…
…
…
It’s true.
And honestly,
I was not surprised by the results.
I own that 2018 was a really rough year for me and food. We were not friends, and most often wicked enemies. I fell back on comforting habits in a bad way. Granted, it wasn’t even close to when I was at my sickest. Or those years after treatment that are the actual hard times to practice and make changes. It was bad though. Much of that was wrapped up in depression — how many times I stopped eating a meal because I didn’t see the point of finishing a salad at lunch? Or skipped a meal. Or stress eat a box of cookies.
(…sigh…)
I left 2018 behind wanting it ALL to be better. I was coming back to myself! A year of healing and transformation. A time to start feeding my body and soul. I now had a desire to eat and enjoy meals with friends. At the same time I had an underlying self-judgment about the weight I gained, complicating my internal stories about food and body image. I did not do anything drastic (there was that period in the summer I cold-turkey quit sugar, that was an interesting experiment that did nothing for me) and relied on eating better, planning meals, and getting back to my regular exercise routine. I have not lost the 2018/divorce weight.
So now what? Acknowledging I may be at risk.
Well — fuck — first saying it out loud breaks the secrecy and shame. I can be held accountable to myself and believing it as truth is going to make a difference. It’s a stumble, not a fall. I can make good choices. I can be mindful of that food anxiety feeling, or pay better attention to my body about exercise and when I need to rest. I could also get back to meal planning and preparing food ahead of time. I can do all these things and pull up all those tools from treatment…
I’m coming out of a rough life transition with some battle scars and better resolve. I’m stronger now. My weaknesses do not define me. I have a clear picture of who I am and what I want for my future. I am not tumbling back into a dangerous place. It’s a reality check.
I also think that most of all I need to be kind with myself.
