CW: eating disorders, numbers, food, clothes, depression, basically All The Things
I have gained weight.
I’m really not happy about it. Seriously. My brain is flipping between It’s All OK Love the Body You Are In and Hate This, Eat Less, Workout Harder at a dizzying rapid pace. I don’t know anyone could guess by looking at me. My brain weasels believe everyone is pointing and snickering.
*important note below
I get on scales as little as possible (compared to the morning weigh-in and the evening weigh-out of my sickest days) Mostly at the doctor and will get on them backwards asking the person not to say the number out loud as I live with an eating disorder. Which for some reason is extremely hard for people. And it does matter. That “simple” little number can be a trigger that sends me off for days at a time. For people that spend minutes/hours/days/lifetimes measuring food to the ounce and precisely cutting fruit/veg/meat into particular sizes and counting out the number of crackers, reading ALL the nutrition labels, carrying little notebooks and calorie calculators, heart rate monitors and exercise trackers — there are no “simple” numbers. My experience — when I am not prepared to hear my weight it opens a flood gate of mental Excel spreadsheets analyzing food and exercise data. I need to shut that shit down. I don’t have time (or desire) to live like that any longer. But that doesn’t mean it is easy or there aren’t any aftershocks.
I don’t know how much I have gained, if I were to guess, 5 pounds. Maybe 8. Somewhere between 5 and 8. I know I’ve gained because my clothes don’t fit as well. Some dresses don’t fit at all. I got rid of a pair of my favorite jeans. I also feel foolish and ridiculous writing any of this. It’s so — trivial. There are much bigger problems in the world, even in my own life! And therein creates the shame wormhole of living with an eating disorder and my ridiculously insignificant stupid problem when I should just. be. able. to. eat. Fuck!
I also know why and how I gained weight. That I can do something about those 5–8 pounds. Or learn to accept and love my reality and body.
2018 was a very difficult year. Deciding to divorce, managing that with our daughter, logistics of splitting up our lives. I was injured early in the Fall and had to drastically adjust my workout routine (after the 6-ish weeks I wasn’t working out at all) So yeah, I was self-medicating with comfort food, carbs, cheese, chocolate, pretzels. I stopped eating salads, veggies, or bringing fruit to work. Also, new one, I would be enjoying meal and just…lose interest in eating. I was skipping meals. YES! All the warning signs and alerts that my eating disorder was taking up space in my life. Balanced with extreme stress, anxiety and depression. A boiling hot mess.
So.
Where do I go from here? More fresh veggies, more fruit, less carbs, more cheese, paying attention to hunger and fullness. Better chocolate and really good cake. Getting back in the gym and being smart about it, paying attention to my healing knees and not-OMFG-not working through the pain. I’m getting back to how I’m used to living and eating and exercising.
What will happen, will happen.
I’ve closed the door on 2018 and looking towards renewing myself in 2019.
p.s. — please do not share if you think I did or did not gain or if you see a difference, this will not help or be supportive of my headspace
p.p.s. — Not lost on me that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and NEDA’s theme is Come As You Are.
If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorders Association helpline: 800–931–2237.
