CW: Eating disorder stuff, movie spoilers
Happy (?) National Eating Disorder Awareness Week everyone!
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I started writing here to tell the truth about eating disorders, not to sugar coat anything and try to reduce stigma. I want to write more, and sometimes when the thoughts are there it’s not easy to get to a screen or keyboard. So I furiously take notes and then later, it’s gone. I think I’m just as tired as everyone else with pandemic fatigue so need to really look at what is most important to accomplish in a day. And on those lines, this post is a mishmash of unfinished-until-now thoughts. Welcome.
Rounding out 2020
I was reflecting on the recent holiday season and how much it sucked. Holidays are always hard for me and each year it seems to get worse. I half-assed decorating the house, ornaments never made it onto the tree, the cards I really really wanted to get out the door didn’t happen, I didn’t even get family notes out. Because this year, the holidays were Even More dealing with the pandemic and politics (the US Capitol insurrection hadn’t even happened yet) and life in general. We’re coming up on a year of stay-at-home and social distancing and there is still a ways to go. Everywhere around us were messages of self care and what it meant to be both celebratory for the holidays, while doing it alone in your home.
In all of that turmoil, my eating disorder was on FIRE! If I could eat 3 meals a day I was overachieving. If I could honor and embrace rest days from exercise I would again be overachieving! There were a few days sprinkled in there I ate only one meal. There were days in there I did two workouts and went to bed thinking it wasn’t enough. My rational brain was fucking pissed! I’m supposed to be over this already… My ED brain sighed with relief in the comfort of old habits.
I saw a speaker this week that talked about how many of us on the other side of recovery are needing to call up support and mindfulness techniques like we haven’t in quite some time (I finished intensive outpatient treatment in the late 90s) This is absolutely my experience. I walked into January, having admitted to a very small number of people how much I was struggling, closing the door on 2020 and a renewed statement to taking better care of myself. Like, eating regular meals and watching my exercise. I’ve even started (gasp) cooking!
There have been rough days, for the most part I’ve been much better with the food and exercise thing.
I watched To The Bone
(CW: movie about people with ED, this link is to the IMDB page for To The Bone)
It had been saved in my Netflix queue for awhile. I was curious and wanted to watch it and I knew I had to wait for the “right” time. Of course I was concerned it could be triggering and ready to judge how accurate EDs would be portrayed (eye rolls at the ready!) And — it was enlightening and relatable.
note: my current writing practice is eliminating “but” unless it is truly necessary, instead using “and”
I did not know that Lily Collins lived with an eating disorder until I was looking for speakers for a diversity & inclusion thing at work. Or that when she made the film she was still in stages of recovery and revisiting that experience and potential triggers in its creation. She must have had her therapist and nutritionist on speed-dial.
The movie felt pretty accurate to me. There is one scene the whole family has to come in while she’s at a treatment facility for a therapy session — her mom and her wife, the step mom and her daughter (i.e. the sister), dad never showed up. Everyone is arguing with each other, defending their actions, making accusations, and Eli just sits looking at her lap like she’s not even in the room. She’s unseen and unheard. That one hit hard. I’ve done a lot of work around my core wound — I won’t be heard. I had to pause and write for awhile to get my thoughts out.
So where to now?
It’s a weird feeling. In some ways I’m glad to relive all these lessons and reflect on my treatment and what support looks like for me around my eating disorder. Like I’m auditing a class. It’s also fucking exhausting! It takes a lot of mental energy when my brain is already working through daily living and everything that’s gone on the last year.
So, it’s NEDA week. I’ve started following some Instagram accounts that reinforce body liberation and snap back at the “Quarantine 15” messaging and how we all just need to breathe and do the best we can by ourselves. It helps. A lot. Additional daily reminders and meditations that it’s OK. I'm going to be OK. I might make a dicey choice in the moment. And I can forgive myself. And move on. And It’s OK. And. And. And.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1–800–931–2237.
