CW: eating disorders, coping skills, not-coping skills
The chaos around us
I’ve gotten away from writing to dispel myths and reduce stigma — the original intent here. I miss it. Sure (hand-wave) 2020. Lots of intentions and ideas were postponed or put back on a shelf. I took a leave of absence from work just as Washington went into stay-at-home orders (didn’t plan it that way). Twelve weeks of just — being. More on that another time.
So what is rolling around in my head lately? Eating disorders. 2020 brought up all sorts of stressors and there were times I went into my ED fully conscious of the decision I was making. Being at home all the time, super easy to create a repeating and controlled menu. Skipping meals, monitoring calories or avoiding certain foods? I went there. It’s my most comfortable and well known coping mechanism when I feel completely out of control.
The one I struggle with most is exercise. In the Before Times I would workout 4 or 5 days a week. I would relish a Rest Day and embrace the comfort of skipping a shower or staying in PJs all day, embrace being lazy. Early on exercise was more challenging in lockdown, I was walking a lot and doing yard work. I got a Peloton bike and happily joined the community of converts spinning along and taking strength classes (I’m partial to Alex, Cody, Emma, Robin and Tunde) Sometime in late summer, my target became working out every single day. This is not healthy, and my body had been telling me it is not sustainable. It took a friend gently reminding me how unhealthy it is to make a change.
Now I’m intentional about only working out 5 days a week and taking real Rest Days. “Just a walk” is not rest (some combination of East Coast city girl and exercise fiend does not equate to leisurely walks) It has been really difficult to be still. As much as movement helps with my anxiety — being still is a practice that can look like reading or writing or movies to help with the anxiety too.
Today! I planned as a rest day and I’ve been wanting to go for a walk all day long. It has become a mental debate that being still for 24 hours is not going to kill me or cause me to lose muscle mass or any ability to move. It’s the end of the workday, the sun is setting and my legs are twitching. Brains — they work for good and for evil.
So instead — I’m going to feed the cat (and myself), put on PJs, listen to a backlog of podcasts, while staring at pretty lights, and just — chill ❤
