Hyper vigilant mindfulness
CW: crawling out of depression, tears, hope
It’s been a week. Super excited it is Friday and I do not have many plans this weekend. There is some house stuff, reading, PJs, bourbon and TV to enjoy. Actually, to revel in the pace of disengaging and breathing.
I’ve done a lot of breathing this week. The last 2.5 have been filled with moments of intense reminders, tears and lots and lots of mental processing. Every day I pull an Angel Card for meditation and reflection. I take pictures to set as my lock screen. I have reminders on my phone to pause and take a look at that day’s word and how it is showing up. What message is the universe sending me — because they aren’t always easy or fun ones to reflect, the universe knows.
This has been my week.
Monday — Faith
I woke up feeling just on the other side of a depressive episode. That place of knowing where I was, wanting to get out, but had not quite found my footing. Faith was just what I needed to hear — that Depression Lies and I could leave the pit and lean on those that know I need them in times like this.
Tuesday — Clarity
I saw my therapist Tuesday morning. I walked in with stories to tell and tears to shed. SO. MUCH. mental processing over the last week that my brain was tired. I had an emotional hangover from crying and journaling and all the things that it takes to get out of a dark place. With ideas of what I needed, my therapist validated as great places to start. I wrote things down to make connections between thoughts, spoken word and reinforcement. I have an overly developed sense of fairness (this is not new information) that I continue to run into walls believing I can mold things to my standards.
We also talked about Surrender — as an acknowledgement that my efforts to change the landscape does not work. I need more practice to look at the thing, accept it will not change, then walk away (maybe run). We discussed how I can define a path to get where I need to be for my health. Safely.
Oh, and Statements of Solidarity. Kinda like gratitudes, more like sources of renewal and strength with others that have similar experience.
Wednesday — Awakening
You know that feeling where what has been in front of you the whole time is suddenly in front of you? Yeah, me too.
Thursday — Beauty & “the blank card”
I really dislike pulling the “blank” card. It’s just an angel. No words. Make it whatever you want it to be! Fuck. Sometimes I want to be led and not responsible for the decision. I watched for it all day. I saw beauty in moments of blue sky, talking with A, notecards I bought in San Diego last week, sleep...
Friday — Risk and Commitment
aka, Shit gets real.
This is a commitment to health, honesty and continuing ask for support when needed. Stepping out of unhealthy patterns may feel risky today. Envisioning the light and ease on the other side. Living my true authentic life.
Might even feel happy there ❤
