CW — eating and shame
As a pre-teen, my scoliosis was progressing to a point I need treatment to slow/stop the curvature of my spine. We visited a bunch of doctors and specialists to find the best plan for me. One thing the doctors looked at was my weight, and if the scoliosis had anything to do with being overweight.
I vividly remember an appointment with my primary care doctor.During the conversation, the doctor discussed with my mom that my weight and scoliosis had nothing to do with each other. That I was fat because of my eating. Then she turns to me and says….
You are going to have to stop eating all those Oreos!
And smiled this completely fake-I’m-trying-to-be-nice-and-funny smile.
I was filled with rage. I remember this feeling of seething fire and hatred and burning tears. I said to the doctor — But I don’t even like Oreos! (I might have stomped my foot). I do not remember how she responded. Other than being dismissive.
Then came the shame.
I knew that how and what I ate made me overweight. I knew it! I was already beating myself up about it before the doctor said a word. I was so angry she equated my overeating to Oreos. It was ice cream and homemade chocolate chip or oatmeal butterscotch cookies that did it. Or the glorious times we had Nutter Butters. Oreos had not made me fat.
There has always been a cross-over moment. Being so fraught with emotion and anxiety and feeling out of control, that shoveling food in my mouth would fill the void. When I had eaten just enough to feel slightly sick and pause, Do I keep going? Then looking at any empty 1/2 gallon of ice cream thinking, Damn it — I actually ate the whole thing. When did that happen? I’m …..worthless.
That all these years (decades) later I remember that doctor appointment and anger about Oreos. Like it was yesterday.
As people, we never know when our words are going to seer into another’s memory. How it may positively or negatively impact the person listening. So much is wrapped up body image and society and self esteem. How do I think this story could be different? I have not played that thought over in my head much. Now being a parent of a girl — if I were that doctor? I would ask if I knew being overweight impacted my health. I would ask if I could help her in any way. I would remind her that people care about her health and well-being. I would offer suggestions or resources to help her.
But I would never, ever fucking shame someone like that doctor did to me.
