CW: Anxiety, alcoholic families
I was rear ended this morning. It was minor. I was stopped at a yellow light. She was slowing and hit black ice. I totally remember that moment looking in my rearview thinking….please don’t hit me please don’t hit me…BAM! I was thrown forward a bit, you can hardly tell there is damage to my car. I was shaken up, tears streaming down my face as we exchanged information (I just couldn’t stop crying). I still went to work, I didn’t want to go home and be alone. I didn’t think I was hurt, yet also knew if I was it would be good to have people around me to watch out for anything.
I went to my coworker and told her what happened. She wanted to take me to urgent care right away. I wanted to eat breakfast. So we did that and talked. It helped calm me down. My heart rate returned to normal and I didn’t have any more tears.
Then I told her — my dad sent me a birthday card, it came in the mail yesterday.
…and… I started crying again. She paused, asked if I opened it.
No — that bright pink envelope is sitting on the front table picking at scars on my heart. I haven’t decided what to do with it yet. (although it occurred to me that physical trauma set off an emotional reaction to the accident after ignoring the card and my feelings last night, hello unhealthy coping) I was so jarred when I got the mail yesterday I dropped the envelope on the table, took a picture, sent it to Norman, Do I even open it? It’s from my dad.
Of course I knew the holidays (and my birthday) would be weird without him. A asked on Thanksgiving, he’s really not coming any longer? Yes — I am no longer inviting him. I also reinforced I want her to have whatever relationship she wants and will take her to see him or if she just wants to text or whatever it might be. I’m not cutting him out of her life, just mine.
It would be so easy to take that bright pink envelope and toss it in the recycle. Or douse it in maple syrup and cat fur with no temptation to pick it up again. Even better — maple syrup, cat fur, place in the bag from cleaning the litter box, old compost and put it in the trash!
It would be just as easy to open it up —hoping it’s only a card and a signature. It could be a letter. It could be an apology. Maybe a Starbucks card? If I numb out and open the card what’s the benefit? There isn’t anything he could write that would change my mind. So why does it even matter?
If I truly want him out of my life I should toss it. My overly developed sense of responsibility for my family sits on my shoulder telling me to just open it and see what it says (there’s some insight!) I’m reminded of something a friend said to me, “Just because the hospital or police call about your dad, doesn’t mean you have to respond” I’ve considered waiting until Norman gets home and have him open it. What does that do but give him knowledge I don’t know I want in the first place, isn’t that one layer closer to the inside of the envelope without touching it myself? Based on patterns, it’s most likely just a card with squiggly underlines on the Hallmark greeting to show emphasis.
No — either I open it or I don’t.
I feel that I’m near the decisions. Going to sleep on it. In the meantime I’m not touching the bright pink envelope until I figure it out.
p.s. — did go to urgent care. nothing concerning, typical car accident back strain/sprain. Watch for changes. The worst of it likely in 3 days. I just took the muscle relaxer…hello sleep!
