Keeping a promise to myself
A month ago my dad started creeping into my daily thoughts. A little bit of I wonder what’s going on and a bit of How do I stop this taking up brain space? Like when you don’t want to think about something and then it’s all you can think about. I saw my therapist shortly after and we talked through some mindfulness exercises to practice. It’s been mostly working to this point.
Three weeks ago I took A and her friend for treats after camp finished. We stopped by a McDonald’s half way home for soft serve. The girls order, we are waiting, I look up and see — my father. He sees me see him. I immediately looked at the ground, concentrating on breathing and hoped he would not talk to me (or A). He picked up his stuff and left before us. No words were exchanged. On the drive home I felt kinda sick and guilty. Later that evening I asked A if she saw him there. I got a surprised No! and why didn’t we talk to him?! I told her the story (most of it) and why he is not in my life any longer. Also that I support her having a relationship with him and visiting him. She said she would think about it and walked away.
Last Saturday I received an alert from Wells Fargo that “my” checking account was $0. I knew it wasn’t my actual account, it was my dad’s account. I felt a pit in my gut. I thought it had to be wrong. I logged in and not only was the account at $0, it is also overdrawn. OMG how do I respond to this? Do I respond to this?
My heart was pounding, like I could feel my pulse through every inch of my body. I was light headed and blurry eyed, I barely remember walking from the hallway to my bed. I started crying and had trouble breathing. The worst part was the shaking. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I had not felt so out of control in quite some time. My phone dinged and there was a text from Norman. We got on the phone and I told him what was going on. We were both clear that I’m not even considering re-engaging…it was about the guilt and immense feelings of WTF I was processing. It calmed me down a lot. The panic started to ease — the rest of the day I went through phases of ignoring it, obsessing about it, thinking through how I would react if he did reach out. It was all very fresh and very raw.
I knew this day would come.
I knew there would be something — him reaching out asking for help, a call from the hospital, the police, anything that would bring my dad back in a way that isn’t ignoring each other in public. I’ve been nervous about how I would respond. How much would I actually get involved? Or would I? Would I be strong enough to just say No
I’ve feared that day. Not trusting that I could stay strong…would I be able to own and protect my power and self-preservation against some fucked up childhood belief I owe him something?
I spent some time thinking about what my next step was for self care and honoring this decision. I was toying around with going to the bank and removing my name from all of his accounts. Not about taking myself off of alerts or notices. It was all about severing another connection so when the time came there was even less guilt or belief I had to engage.
I was with a friend on Monday morning updating her on all of this, she has been a great counsel and support while I’ve been making these changes in my life. I talked about the (imagined) call from a hospital or police…the morgue. She asked me pretty directly — why would you need to do anything when you get the phone call? Why not just say no. You aren’t responsible for your dad any longer, so why get sucked in? It had never really occurred to me. The option to just say (and own) a solid No! It felt scary. It felt freeing.
And wouldn’t you know it Monday afternoon I got another bank alert for a “provisional credit while completing the investigation”. OK — so now…Now I’m pissed! I felt slapped in the face of deceptive patterns and manipulation. As if I was a ghost in the room watching the interaction in the bank, my dad is either berating the patient customer service person about this damn mistake…I need to talk to whatever manager is here that when he says Jump! you say How High? (seriously I have heard this so many times in my life I shudder just thinking about it)…and eventually he gets what he wants. He. Gets. What. He. Wants. Isn’t this the game the entire time with me and my brother…to get what he wants?! Fuck it.
That pretty much solidified me removing my name from anything else from my dad. I will no longer take the courtesy to forward mail to him, I’ll write return to sender and drop in the mail. I’m going to the bank this weekend to remove any association with him. It’s possible I’m listed somewhere as an emergency contact, and that doesn’t mean I need to respond.
I never thought that after the first good-bye, I could do to make sure that good-bye was final. So here I go...
