CW: Internal discussion to use food, or make good choices.
I’m doing my best to stay tethered to the planet right now.
I’m working through the reality and consequences of a decision I’ll be following through with my dad next week.
I’m not depressed, I am having anxiety, and ALL the shitty feels that typically send me down a path of food. Today I’m hyper aware of it. I recognized it bubbling up as soon as I saw his name come up on my phone when he called. My dad never calls unless he wants something and today I decided to answer. I had a pit in my stomach before I even hit accept…
…..
My Eating Disordered Brain (MED): Wow, that was a really heavy conversation, are you sure you made the right decision, I mean, he’s your dad and all. Go get some chocolate, you deserve it after that. You are so angry right now.
Me: No, thanks. I’m just going to sit here with a rock in my stomach.
MED: Certain? That office down the hall has a whole basket of peanut M&Ms. I know you love them (even if they don’t come back up easy). Plus what’s in your chocolate emergency kit, even though it’s stuff you don’t like…
Me: No, seriously, I’m fine. Stop it.
MED: Well, you need to go home now anyway, let’s stop for ice cream.
Me: No — I don’t want ice cream. I’m going to work out after dinner, that’s how I’m going to relieve this stress.
MED: OOhhhhhh — then you can eat even more before purging! Win/Win
Me: No! I do not want to use food. It feels really shitty right now, and I just need to feel this to get through it (although tempting…)
MED: See! Tempting…if you don’t use me you will still feel all of it. Wouldn’t it be better to be numb? Happily numb and checked out from the world? Mindless reality TV, half gallon of ‘scream, caramel sauce (I know there is some in the pantry), jimmies, OOOH! There are all those boxes of girl scout cookies! Crumble them up and put on some ‘scream. SO delish! You could replace all of them before anyone knew they were gone.
Me: No!! Shut up! Shut Up!Shut Up!Shut Up!!!!!
MED: You can stop and get some pints of Ben & Jerry’s. No one has to know…our dirty little secret. It’s what makes purging so special. The secret.
Me: …ugh…SHUT UP!
MED: If you numb out it kills all that emotion and it goes away. You will feel better. You won’t have to think about your dad or anything else tonight. Make the pain go away. No one likes to feel pain.
Me: That’s not what I want. I want to work out, it was already my plan since I have to take the girls to practice. Plus I have all the reading to catch up on for work…
MED: Screw that! You are already failing at work, falling so far behind. You were supposed to get caught up this week while most of your team is out of town. Wednesday is over and you’ve gotten barely anything done, you should just give up on the rest of the week. Enjoy the food, indulge, so much it hurts and then you get the release…
Me: That’s not entirely true — I made a list today, I know what needs to get done before Friday. I can still catch up. I can do this without you.
MED: Seriously? You missed the opportunity when the snow started falling Monday morning. Just give up. It’s not worth it. Food will make it all better.
Me: I’m not going to use food.
MED: You should, you are just failing at life this week. A dropped a (censored) f-bomb today, #momfail. There are ants in the kitchen. The cat has to go to the vet. The car in for maintenance. Can’t you get anything done?
Me: I’m getting it done, stop trying to make me feel bad or guilt me. I’m not listening any more!
MED: Seriously? You are shutting me down. But I’m your best friend. I always know what makes you feel better. You closest ally…
Me: Nope. Liar. I’m shutting you down tonight. No more!
…..
The reality is, hours later, I am very numb. I had the feels. I talked to three people to get some of that out. I did eat a lighter dinner because it helped me stay safe and away from MED. I did work out and it felt fantastic. I read about half of what I needed to for work (which is progress). I came home and had a healthy snack (banana and pretzels. not ice cream, cookies or chocolate)
My hope is tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel again. At least not be totally numb.
I feel really good about the decisions I made tonight. They are healthy ones. I know it is not always this easy when I start down a path. It’s one more example to add to the Success column.
Tomorrow is another day.
