Power of symbolism

aka — My tattoo kept me grounded in a mental health conversation that went sideways

Jen Emira
4 min readAug 16, 2019

CW: Anxiety response

I was in Vegas for Birthday 2018 speaking at a conference and had tacked on a few more days for personal time. Lush baths bombs with chilled wine and dark chocolate. A guided, off trail hike in Valley of Fire that was Ah-MAZing!! (so much ❤ ❤ ❤) That particular evening I went out and got a tattoo aligned with Project Semicolon (if you aren’t familiar). I had been wanting one for quite awhile and didn’t find the right (or my) image to commit it to skin.

Until I did.

I wanted it rough around the edges. Nothing about mental illness is clean. It does not fit in a box. It is not typeface or stylized. If anything — every person’s experience is so different, it is unique to the individual. And mine sure is NOT cut and dry pretty Helvetica font. Some days it comes out of the Upside Down and I barely even recognize it. Ultimately, Depression Lies! (did I throw enough pop culture references in there for ya’?)

I came into the shop with a picture of what I wanted. We worked out the size and placement, how I can see it at all angles in the bend of my wrist. We had such a deep and connected conversation about depression while he placed it on my body. To the point of wanting an additional fine stroke at the end of the comma portion, a few more dots, the level of detail and precision this artist went with me reinforced my faith that a good tattoo artist can make all the difference and importance in the journey. It was magical. I left high on adrenaline and connected conversation and the hope of how a tattoo could help me stay grounded in moments of unmanageable chaos.

image: Jen’s bandaged wrist with shiny new semi-colon tattoo, next to a yummy dish of Milk Bar cereal milk soft serve with cornflake crunch

For the first few weeks I couldn’t not see it. Always in my face. Regardless of after care and ensuring it healed…it was the only thing I saw and recognized on my body for quite some time.

That faded.

Which was to be expected.

Nowadays I see it or don’t see it or I get questions or any number of reasons I know it is there.

At a meeting with other employers brainstorming ideas related to disability and community I noticed something different.

I was in a conversation about intersectionality and how the disability community can work with (or along) other diversity areas to support employees and community. How do we as employers create awareness of a Disability Employee Resource Group, how to join that community and more importantly how can we leverage each diversity area to further awareness, collaboration and cause? Most recently our disAbility/PTSD community collaborated with our Military ERG for a documentary screening and networking event. Great example.

Mental health came up in discussion at the table. Others started talking about what they observed, is this the one cross-cutting intersectional topic? Is it “addressed” via inclusion training or creating safe space to disclose or storytelling (everyone wanted storytelling) or any manner of creating awareness and inclusion that was just…missing the mark?

I was feeling anxious that my collaborators did not have a mental health condition or truly understand how difficult it can be for someone to disclose or ID even in the best of circumstances. In some ways it felt like a Check The Box exercise which really does not help. IMO — that actually makes it worse.

At a point of high agitation, I noticed I was massaging my tattoo. Circular motions as if I was feeling the experience, memory, and pain of mental health. A self-calming to bring me off of a position and flight risk, to open my ears and listen. Really listen. And while I still did not agree or align with other’s stories and experience, I felt grounded in my own.

image: Jen’s (healed) wrist semi-colon tattoo wearing bracelets from a Seattle jeweler beautifully painted nails on a cream colored bedspread

It is not only a reminder that #DepressionLies or that I can live through particularly painful and difficult moments…it has also become an unconscious reminder of being present when I’m feeling Unheard. Alone. Misunderstood.

And there is a ton of strength in that ❤️

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Jen Emira
Jen Emira

Written by Jen Emira

I write about mental illness — anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. Feminist-Mother-Friend-Baker-Foodie-Music Lover-Professional-Stubborn-Feisty-Goddess!

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