Spoiler alert: I’m going to discuss plot points if you haven’t seen the series.
CW: depression, suicide, rape
I read 13 Reasons Why a few years ago. Long enough that I knew the general premise and story while missing some of the details from memory. I knew it was about suicide and the book is geared towards young adults (I personally think audience matters with this story). Norman and I went through a phase of reading a lot of YA when A was a tween to get ready for what she could be reading down the line. We never expected her favorite genres would be ghost stories or dystopian society.
The biggest complaint I’ve seen online is that it glorifies suicide.
Glorify — Merriam Webster —
a : to make glorious by bestowing honor, praise, or admiration
b : to elevate to celestial glory
I don’t get this at all.
As I watched each episode I reminded myself how shitty the high school experience can be when you don’t quite fit in. Even if you find your people(**waving to my Pajama Peeps**) it can be hard. So much is going on at that time. Raging hormones, peer pressure, insecurities, the “popular crowd” and their impact on anyone’s self-esteem, pressures of grades or sports or extracurricular activities, getting into college, deciding not to go to college, and anything going on at home. Are adults so far removed they have forgotten, or blocked out what it was like for them? What it could be for teens today in this world of social media and social change? Or did you really have an enjoyable high school experience?!
There are kids with mental illness. True mental illness, not the dismissive comments about being SO OCD, You’re so mental, Just think positively, I can’t eat it’s almost bathing suit season, suicide is selfish… For some people, the only option they see is to end their life. So why don’t they ask for help? Maybe their mind is saying they aren’t worthy of help, or that even asking feels insurmountable.
Anyone that does not have mental illness has no idea what that does to a mind and body. I have had utter despair, hopelessness, guilt, shame, worthlessness. In the worst moments of depression, your (my) mind cannot see or understand that it can get better. I think about all the times I lay on the bathroom floor in a fetal position crying wishing the eating disorder would just end. I didn’t want to die, I wanted the pain to go away. At the same time not knowing how to do that. Ashamed to ask for help. When I was in treatment some people told me an eating disorder is a form of slow suicide. I can understand how they see the restriction and starvation as a road towards death. That was not my story or belief. I did get better. Maybe initially by sheer stubborn will. Eventually I healed enough to recognize I was worthy of health and goodness and the desire to move forward followed.
Hannah tells 13 different stories that compound. She didn’t start off in the best state to begin with. We know nothing of her life before moving into town and starting a new school. There is brief mention about starting fresh from the old school and neighborhood and the family putting it behind (I even missed this, someone pointed it out to me when we were discussing the series) so something happened even before tape 1. Remember that. In a short period of time the sum of it was too much.
I have also read a lot about how graphic Hannah’s suicide is on screen. In the book she overdoses on pills. (Think Hollywood for a moment, taking pills does not express the drama of slitting your wrists) To watch Hannah react as the blade cut her skin, heaving and realizing what she has done, she kept going and finally relaxed into it. Of course it’s disturbing! It’s meant to be that way. I wonder if a lot of the horror and response is because it’s so real. Gratuitous violence in movies, we can brush it away because it’s fiction. Even the Based On Real Life stories are sensationalized. Yet suicide, that happens. We all “know” that people slit their wrists and we might think about what that is conceptually, to witness it is very different. Very sobering. Very real. If they changed ODing on pills, could they have chosen a different method? Sure. Did it really need to be that stark and honest? Why not.
Of all the stories, one in particular sticks out to me as really failing Hannah. The guidance counselor. The adult that should be trained on dealing with teenagers and recognizing signs. In fact, he failed her on two very critical ways.
One — she talked about doing something drastic, about wanting it all to end. While she never explicitly said she was going to hurt herself or had a plan to end her life, she was reaching out. It did not appear Mr. Porter was entirely engaged in the conversation. His cell phone should have been on silent. The desk phone ringer should be turned off or forwarded. As parents we get so annoyed looking at our kids absorbed in their phone or Pavlovian response to a text message, it’s the exact same thing for adults. If you are with a student that wants to talk, that is seeking help, as the guidance counselor, turn off all the other fucking distractions and pay attention to the human being in front of you! After she left his office, he does nothing to follow up. He even denies he ever met with Hannah to the lawyers. If your job was a high school guidance counselor and one of your students committed suicide, would you really tell the lawyers you never talked to her?
The second failure — and I want to be clear about how crucial this is and relates to very real life conversations and current events — when she was talking about being sexually assaulted, about being raped, he completely and totally dismissed the concept of consent. Just because she did not say Yes should not imply Bryce had permission to touch her. Just because she did not say No, Bryce had no permission to keep going, to assault her, to rape her. She was fighting. As hard as she could. Bryce was telling her that acting the way she did, that how she was with other boys (truth or rumor or lie) told him she wanted it. No. Absolutely not. Not ever!! The hardest scene for me to watch the entire series was Hannah trying to resist, squirming, the tension in her body and her hands as she tried to fight, as he held her down. Then to see it…just leave. To see her go limp and glassy eyed — I sobbed. How many women reach this point in an assault and the only way they can save themselves is to let it happen. Let that sink in.
Let. it. sink. in.
We have got to teach our kids — of any gender identity or sexual orientation — that without a clear and explicit consent, you do not have permission to do anything. Ever.
Suicide and rape are heavy topics. They are very real and people do not like talking about it. Our school district sent a mail out to parents last week about the series, about warning signs, about what to do — about how they were appalled at the guidance counselor failing a student. I believe it is our responsibility as parents to be aware of our kids watching the show and if we want to talk about it head on. We can all be shocked and raise our voice about the series being published, about Netflix not providing enough resources (which I heard they already changed) or how our kids will take this in a direction we all dread. Do not throw up your hands blaming social media or digital responsibility. Today we can track our kids online, phone, TV, subscriptions. I trust mine enough to do random checks so she knows I’m watching while not a helicopter parent.
By the way…Do you know if your kid read the book?
Maybe start there.
Ask and find out.
Be involved.
For everyone’s sake.
