CW: anxiety brain, body image/eating disorders
My brain will not shut up. I’ve also reached a point of the evening that I haven’t fallen asleep and panicking as midnight gets closer and knowing I have to be up early.
A racing heart does not help the brain sleep.
I recently started making the bed with my weighted blanket under one side of the covers so I could just roll a bit farther and find that comfort. Genius right?! I’ve been under here at least 23 minutes and wishing I had more weight on me. Like why aren’t the cats cooperative enough to stay put if I put one over my heart so we could breathe together? (at least my cats won’t do that).
My therapist (that sits on my shoulder) is also interrupting asking what am I really upset about? What is the real emotion and the true concern? Fuck I hate when the therapist knows the exact right question to ask at the exact right time…
I’m having a body loathing evening. Even “loathing” does not feel strong enough to describe it. Despise? Seething hate? Like I want to rip my skin off and throw it away. Claw at my face so there are deep grooves to make myself look uglier than I feel right now. Oooh! Punch the mirror and use the glass cut out the pain. That kind of physical harm would make it all go away. And on top? Invasive thoughts that eating only steamed vegetables for a month sounds reasonable. Or skipping meals. Or fuck all of that go get ice cream and let’s purge that gallon!
Having said that out loud… My heart rate has slowed significantly. My brain is still buzzy, I think I’m starting to feel sleepy. I haven’t figured out what is underneath all of that. It will come. I expect it will be a doozy given the last hour in my head. For now, the priority is sleep. ‘night…
