Transitions
CW: Depression, eating challenges
Monday when I got home from work and couldn’t even think about eating dinner I was wound up in anxiety. And heaviness. I wasted time catching up on Facebook for an hour. Realizing I was hungry I thought, chocolate Thanksgiving turkey dipped in peanut butter counts as a meal right? Protein and…chocolate? My logic brain shut that down pretty quickly and I had leftover fried rice and spring rolls. It was fuel. I didn’t really enjoy it. Sometimes with an eating disorder, the best I can do is feed myself out of necessity and hope it will be better next time.
I’m one of those that has trouble with the holidays. My house is mostly decorated because A loves it. She’s been patient with my Christmas happens after Thanksgiving rule. Wasted no time to add a tree in her room all decked out in gold. Trim, color, lights, gingerbread trucks, and baking plans. Basically anything she assigned herself is done. Anything she asked me to do is half done. She insists on doing outdoor lighting this year (by herself) and was surprised I asked about getting the tree this weekend because of schedules. (we usually wait until later in December)
My birthday is coming up. I usually relish the celebration and want to be treated like a fucking goddess. This year, not so much, as the realities of “getting older” are felt more strongly since I entered my 40s. Like my recent injury and biopsy. I would much rather be 39-again. I put way too much energy on the number. Kinda like I do with my weight. Numbers are wasted energy.
Thanksgiving was fine. I had family in town. It was also strange in a different way.
A year ago I came to realize I needed to make a pretty big life change. I went through lots of thinking and processing and tears. It took another two months to have the nerve and wherewithal to talk with Norman. It was time for us to be realistic about what makes us happy. We agreed we would each be happier apart. We are splitting up.
This past weekend as everyone left for their respective homes, I became overwhelmed. So much change. So much turmoil in my life and emotional well-being. I’m tired. Sadness for good-byes and anxious anticipation of what’s next. Looking around my home and starting changes to make it mine. New art. New floors. New furniture. Getting rid of a lot of stuff, a lot of emotionally heavy stuff. It’s intense work.
I saw my therapist yesterday. Convenient. We spent most of the time talking about self care. What I can farm out so I don’t have to deal with all the emotionally heavy stuff. Reminders to get after what I want, what acknowledges me, what helps me feel energized. I have homework. I’ve sorta tried it on yesterday. Sticky note reminders on the mirror.
I don’t feel quite as depressed this morning. Told a handful of people what I have been feeling the last few days. That reaching out part, what I always forget when in the worst of a depressive episode. It has been easier to eat since Monday. I actually enjoyed lunch yesterday (butternut squash lasagna rolls with crunchy cheese. I like when melted cheese goes over the pan and gets, well, crunchy) Splurged on a fancy coffee on the way in to work. Not feeling anxious about lunch or figuring out dinner tonight. Small wins.
So I move forward. Planning with friends and activities that will recharge me. Have someone lined up to help with the heavy emotional tasks. Planning a spa trip on my birthday. Holiday shopping with A that she looks forward to every year.
One meal at a time. One task at a time. Celebrate my goddess-ness all the time ❤
