CW: past references to depression
Since I disclosed at work I live with anxiety and depression, I have been practicing honesty with how I’m doing. Living the truth of “It’s OK to not be OK”. Much of the last year and a-half I answered “I’m OK” …pause… “No actually I’m (some version of Not OK, just OK, holding on, barely OK). I always felt better, a moment to breathe, when I was honest. I found over time many co-workers don’t know what to do with that. Typically an awkward smile or nervous laugh and turning away. Or the dreaded “It will all be fine just, feel better :-D” So maybe the world of pleasantries is not ready for honesty and we all go back to our pretend interest and caring (at work, I hope not in real life).
Divorce, depression and survival
We decided in early 2018 to end our relationship and get divorced. Even in a civil process and caring for A it was difficult. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, Divorce is the second most stressful life event. Based on everything going on in 2018 my score was 375, an indicator of high/very high risk of getting ill. Certainly no surprise I would be in a state of deep depression.
This time last year I was recovering from a significant fall and injury after a hike. Both of my knees were the size of softballs, I could only bend at the waist, and a lot of stress eating and holiday drinking. I was also in the thick of the divorce with a teen angry at both of us for holding back from her (my biggest regret in the whole process) and Doing All The Things to talk through and make it legal.
Roll it all together and it is no surprise 2018 was a chasm of depression and brain weasels. I was not conscious of its depths until I started feeling — well — less depressed. My go-to coping mechanism is to hide, isolate and ignore reality, if I don’t acknowledge it cannot hurt me. I started 2019 wanting to make it a better one than last year.
…and 2019 has been better
As I started to understand how awful it was last year, I became even more grateful for those that stood by me, propped me up, listened to me cry, scream, and completely shut down. Supporting a depressed person is really hard. Those life experiences one cannot really describe until having lived through it.
Each month I did something to find myself again and honor this journey — 2019 is meant to be a celebration! I have taken a few trips, seen some Broadway shows, new furniture, rearranged art on the walls, a tattoo I’ve been wanting for years…I changed my name. Each little bit has helped, I do feel more myself, like immensely more. People around me have noticed it too. Friends say I’m smiling more. I hear that You’re lighter a lot.
I feel lighter too.
Last weekend I was at a friend’s birthday party and got a chance to catch up and chat with people I have not seen in awhile. When asked how I was doing it was the expected “I’m OK” …pause… “Actually, I’m doing really well!” And feeling that on the inside (not lip service). Saying things out loud is the kryptonite to denial and isolation. I left the party more excited and motivated than I have felt in a really long time. It is also (uncomfortably) weird. It is so far from my normal I trust it and don’t trust it at the same time.
When I desperately attach to depression as identity, letting go is really hard — to trust that I won’t fall off the planet and can pick myself up again — that is the real work. I feel like I am finally on my way.
